Guest house and Apartment Tokyo

感覚 。。。

この世に、二人が一緒にいる時楽しいなんて、こんなこと、あまりそんなたくさんじゃないと思う。家族とか、友達とか、特に恋人。

ドキドキの感覚があれば、それはもちろんボナスと思うけど、私は最初からもドキドキの感覚がなくても、この一年間嬉しいと思う。理由は、恋愛の関係は、最初どんなたくさんドキドキがあっても、いつか、きっとだんだん少なくとも少なくなるはず。べつに悪いことと思わない。

自分と超似合う人がいるはず、一秒でも思わない。でも、８０−９０％くらいでもいいじゃないのかなぁと思ってしまう。

人間は生まれてからもう別々の個体で、性格、習慣、育て来た環境、言葉、色々全く違うし、二人が一緒にいる時、問題が現せる時、ちゃんと厳しく詳しくて話さずに、お互いに教えてくれないと、関係が良くなると思えません。

この世に７兆の総人口の中で、君と出会ってお互いに好きになって、あなたは、それでも珍しいと思わないのかなぁ 。。。偶然だけってと思うのかなぁ 。。。簡単に捨てても構わないと思うのかなぁ 。。。

時間はいつも私の天敵である存在している、多分私だけではなく、皆も、いつも一番嬉しくて幸せ時間に止めることできません。

一生できません。

生きていてから今まで、苦しい度に、何回も繰り返してアノ一番幸せ時に戻せばいいなぁと思ってしまう。何故か嬉しい時間はいつも短いんだろう？

昔、何でも分からなかった時代に、何でも満足できなかった時代に、 幸せとは一応試して、とても素晴らしくて、短くても嬉しいことだ、それもう十分の幸せだと思ってしまいました。短い嬉しさは幸せと思ってしまいました。

違います。もの凄く。

もっと生きてきて、それくらいようやく分かってきた。

短い嬉しさは、どれくらい素晴らしくても、幸せとは言えません。本当の嬉しさは、毎日幸せと思うそういうことです。

普通けれど、幸せなんてそんなことがあります。

この頃、今幸せと思う人が絶対にいるはず。

ただ、今の私は、幸せなんて全く言えません。

ずっとどうやって長く時間そんな気持ちを掴むことを考えていたけど、最近は絶対あのゴールまで、モット遠くなってしまう。

私の一部の大げさの性格のセイで、遠くなってしまう。

許してくれないのかなぁ。

軽く遊び言葉と気持ちをしなく、相手のことをリスペクトして普通の人間としてもう一度 。。。

映画 Matrix の中で、一つの言葉は　” この世界は、悲しさがなし、嬉しさもなし、でもこんな世界は、人間がいられない、全員はすぐ死んでしまいました。”

昔の私にとって、この言葉が響けなかった。

昔の超嬉しさと超悲しさを受けてしまった私は、この言葉の本当の意味が分からなかった。９０％の嬉しさを受けたら、きっと９０％の悲しさを待ってる。

今から、生きてるため３０％の二つを受けても大丈夫かなぁ、君と一緒かぎり。。。

大げさな言葉、役に立たない 。。。

he always wonders why, …

… why i always take so many photos,

because no one ever knows, when i will have the chance to see this again; and even though u go there again, the person next to you can also never be the same.

PLUS, my memory is poor.  見られないと覚えられない。

all these are from Disney Sea last year. the beginning of Jan.

you might find it very strange, how come all these photos,
not one picture with the person that i went with,
yes, i intentionally did not take his photo.
i have 10,000 of the above, but not 1 he was in it.

一年だけ、たくさん変わってきた。

何故だのかなぁ〜

今、逆に、

相手は think it is 重い, but isn’t it that he just took it too seriously?

long time ago, one friend used to tell me …

“do you realize that, people do not know if you ARE joking, or you ARE NOT …”

that was a surprise, i never know people not know, i thought it was OBVIOUS when i was kidding / exaggerating …

same here, in order to try to make the other party feel good, at first i tried to say all the things that gives him 自信、安心、好きになりたかったですから、だんだん、もっと慣れてきて、言葉もっとおおげさになって、わがままみたいになって 。。。

何故か好きになりたかったんだろう？

私の人生の中でけっこう一番落ち込んでいた時、彼は現せて、he brings a little color and brought me to see things i always have wanted to see, … even though i do admit at that time, i really wished it were someone else, but later on, だんだん感動してきた 。。。

だから、later on, i also want to show my appreciation by doing something, and that is … by telling him things i thought that would make him feel good, would make him not to worry about how i feel about him, to make him feel someone cares about him …

( でも、そんなこと、本当に永遠のことですか？

明らかでしょう？しばらくのことなんて、

這些都是，日子久了，就不需要再說的東西。だんだん, 我也會覺得說也沒趣, but when i realized maybe i needed more time to spend on my own thing, when i tried to stop mailing for a while, someone stopped me earlier than i stopped myself from these habits … )

but i was wrong, males obviously do not need that even from the beginning …

大げさな言葉、役に立たない 。。。

大げさな行動、実は面白くない 。。。

面白いと思ってたのに、実は相手にとって、面白くなかった。

それは、本当にすみません。誤解しましたのね。

私も相手に誤解された。

the way he said things to me, it just like how my ex. was right before he left me.

ただ、it was in a much smaller scale. because the years were also much fewer.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because once someone is not around for ANY reasons, and refused to EVEN work it out with me gradually/seriously, sit down, talk like an adult, and tell me he wants to fix our relationship, so it can last longer, but instead, he just told me what he wants and left.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because even though when he come back in the future, how can you possibly like him remembering what he did to you this time?

he obviously gave you no chance and not care about how you feel, right?

how sad and disappointed.

if he does not come up with this conclusion all by himself, i don’t know what type of silly friends he has been hanging around with, but obviously they are not telling him anything constructive.

how wasteful, if you are still happy with someone, why not sit down and talk seriously and try to work it out?

isn’t that childish not to even know how to do this?

if you really do not care, you might as well said,
“今から、私たち一生会わなくてもいいです。一生一緒のチャンスが絶対ないですから。no matter what your reasons are for your behavior, whether they are only temp. or long-term, i have no interests in knowing why, or trying to let you fix it. because i have absolutely no interests in you and just want to give you up.”

それでいいんじゃない？

4 days could not eat, the Amazon saved me …

私は今までも恋愛のことまだ全くわかりません。

so i did some research online (日本語で), 初めて日本語で恋愛の悩みのため …

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

… こういうタイプの男性は追われると逃げたくなる人ではないでしょうか。

( まぁ … 男だけじゃないのかなぁ、… i think this whole world, if you treat someone too nice, they will use that and 逆に be not nice to you … except me. however, too bad, in this world, no one really values me in that way, that is why i am always so alone … )

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

… 追えば男は女を捨てて逃げる！

( interesting comment … i guess i am too easy, 追われても too lazy to 逃げる, 必要がないし、と思ってね … まぁ、私は残念ですけど、男じゃないからさ )

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… ＞重い
この言葉を言う人とは残念ながら将来はないと思う

(でも、私べつに将来のこと考えていないけど…, 結婚なんても興味もないし, but if the author meant, any boyfriend, if they say 重い to their girlfriend, this guy is just a person that wants no responsibility = they will be around when you are healthy, they will disappear when you are sick … then, i think i might have to rethink about something … )

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なのに、なんで。。。なんで思わなかったこと言われたのかなぁ。。。

turns out, after he said something shocking to me on SUN night (Jan 29), i got so shocked and weak, the whole night i could not sleep, shivering and crying all night, thinking we are no more. my heartbeat went super fast and i woke up after only 2-3 hours of sleep and could not go back to sleep again. my roommate said … 罪深いって。。。一生忘れない。。。

MON, i took one day off. PM went to immigration to renew my visa. i was so sad while i was in the immigration. last year, when i had no real job, i was so grateful that the boy, who i just started being with, cared so much about my staying here or not. 感動した。 now, this year when i was in immigration, he did not even know that i was there (in immigration), i doubt if he even care if i can stay in japan or not now …

TUE, i went to work and my boss told me to see the doctor. and on the way to the clinic i already knew i got something … when i arrived i felt fever already … chill all over my body … in the clinic, the nurses told me, “インフルエンザでしたって”, i was super shocked, after all, i took the vaccine だよ！2000円で、勿体ない！the doctor said i belonged to the 60% that does not help even took the 注射。

but thanks to the sickness, i could finally sleep and stopped the shock from him for 1 night. cause my head hurt so bad i could not think of anything.

WED, THUR (today) stay home, … only later today i could go convenience store to buy tofu and more lotion tissues.

◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎

i was so hurt and sick there were 4 days i could not eat anything …

but luckily, i bought mineral water from the Amazon Japan for the first time last week, who would have known, this week, turns out i can drink HALF the box of the NATURAL MINERAL WATER … from Italy, without them i have no water in my room and had to walk far away to boil water and wait and boil more … and spread my germs while my body was so weak … not a good idea, right?

sigh. なぜか、私が辛い時、いつもそばに誰もいないのかなぁ〜

べつに、誰かいれば助かると思わないけど、でも、一番気になる人はいつも自分の悩みとか分からなくて、なんか寂しくてガッカリする気持ち堪らなく。。。

New Supporter: Alexis

Let me introduce myself.

Nails

The women here love looking their best… either that or they are expected to by society.  But nonetheless, they do work hard to look good.  This means anywhere from makeup, hair, clothes, undergarments, perfume and all the way down to nails!  So for the new year I had the good fortune of having my nails done by my friend who is a professional nail technician. You wouldn’t believe some of the things they can do nails these days.  Tiny little pictures, words and gems.  It is incredible!  I had a sort of tame version of what could be done but I still liked the results.  The other thing is that they are gel nails so the polish lasts longer than if you just apply it straight on the nails.  It feels so smooth too!  I now understand why Japanese girls do it!  I may have to get into this…. but at $100 a pop it will just have to be a special occasion.

Christmas cards

this past Christmas, i was being 贅沢 to others.  the above are the Christmas cards i finally can afford buying and sending them to others.

and it also include 2 baby cards.

this is the red one, from Sanrio, isn’t that cute? nice design! i sent one to each of my siblings.

this is the card that i sent to my dear cousins, they are so super strong and nice, even though they were born super poor … i have always admire and adore them. even with so much difficulties in life, they seem to be way much happier than i am, or many other families.

i also have one more of this sent to my best friend, the one that let me stay in HK while i had no where to go …

this one i sent it to my good friend in HK, i met her in japan. she is so darn clever and capable in many ways, i wish i can be as efficient as her. plus, she is super beautiful.

i sent one to each of my siblings, cause they both are “baby on board” ~~~ congratulations.  it surprises me how fast they grow.  i guess the one that cannot grow is just me.  even though i have zero interests in creating families, but i guess it is a good thing to have a baby.  esp. since my bro and sis are good people.  i guess the DNA they pass on should be ok, right?

as for me, i wish i can live on without having to go through this process, since day 1 i have never liked my own DNA, and i think it would be a disaster to force this onto the next generation, that child, would end up hating me, just like how i resent my own parent sometimes.  if fortunately, he/she can be like the one i love (my 相手), that would be great, however, currently, i don’t have anyone, obviously.

well well

let’s look at things that does not make all of us going crazy and frustrated!

this is one piece of wonderful bread. from Lawson 100.

this is 1 rare jelly from the SUPERMARKET here.

it does taste great but i think it is kind of expensive … like the ones in convenient store. 厳選って、it does seem like it.  but the last time i tried to look for it again, they already no longer carry it … i doubt if it sold well.

the scenery i took.

i so want to get rid of this ______

if strength is given, i would really want to just make him NOT part of my main life anymore.

this is not the first time. once in a while, he just have to surprise me with EXTREMELY COLD WORDS, words you canNOT even imagine, well, at least i can’t.

maybe someone with a thick face can withhold this.

sorry i cannot.

but since i enjoy being with this human so i always thought and felt it is worthy.

but maybe, now come to think of it, maybe, he is just like a “escape place” for me while i want to escape from improving the language!

cause it is so darn troublesome.

但是這並不是長遠嘅解決辦法. 問題始終都係要面對 …

also, we should forget the people that do not love us, that makes complete sense.

people that love themselves way more than yourself, those type too, we should also forget them.

make sense, right?

i don’t know what this person is thinking about, he never talks to me about anything. it it also a sign of love?  if it is, sorry cause i don’t get it at all.

また決めてないけど、i really want to try not see him as much as before.

少なくとも、if chance is allowed, weekdays no, weekends only たまに。

i am soooo nice to him, but i don’t think for 1 second he thought about how i feel and i doubt after the first 3 months he even tried 1 time to do something special for me.  every time is only me me me, try to create chances to be together, so sick and tired of it.

このまま、i think i just have to stop somewhere.

and now, at this moment, i have the shit phone off, どうせ when he is not around, no one called the darn phone, not even ONE message, only junk mails.  now he is back, and i guess i shouldn’t expect much anyway.  cause it always ends with disappointment.  i THOUGHT he would be better, but he is not.

such a cold person, 本当にやた。

鬼唔望我之後兩個禮拜都可以唔理佢，等佢咁得chek，以為我一定鐘意硬佢咁.

鬼唔望我好快有另外鐘意嘅人添丫，而佢又鐘意自己,  perfect !

hate him !

he gave me such the SOUR feeling that i hate the most in the world

Lady Gaga said once, hoping people will stop being HATERS. but i wonder if she can forgive her former bad bf, for the least she wrote Bad Romance, right?

today i am super angry.

honestly, what type of people not want to see their loved ones right away after a long trip???

um …, maybe someone that do not care/like you that much, or someone that just not worth your liking?  頭に来る！！！

when he is not around for days, i actually got to do things that needs to be done. and surprised how smooth it can be when i had communicate in my 3rd language.

even when he is around, i am lonely, while he is not around, i am even more lonely, but at least, i do not have to be angry.

personally, i really HATE the partner searching / wondering who the next person would be game. but this round i really had it!

he gave me such a SOUR feeling that i hate the MOST in the world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when he was not in the country, at least i can live peacefully!

crying out loud today i just went to the stupid 市役所 to change my stupid address for the sake of my visa.

you know, i find him SO DARN spoiled by my passion of having him around. his COLD reaction sometimes really pissed me off!  seriously!!!!

i don’t know how much i can hold it but i really i hate it.

it is like this person made me so angry i cannot concentrate on things.

his existence distracts me from working on the things that can decrease my long-term sadness, means, instead of thinking about “playing with him”, maybe i should try to “study”?  so i can progress my crap jap level faster and be in the native level sooner.

what are the source of my SERIOUS sadness everyday? COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!

every shit day there are shit load of words i don’t understand and it is driving me crazy!  and he did nothing to help me.  and i really dislike it for that, too!!!!!!!!!!!!

HATSUMODE

On the way back from our trip to Izu (on January 1st) we stopped off at the Kinomiya shrine (来宮神社）in Atami City.  There we participated in Hatsumode, which is the Japanese tradition of going to the shrine or sometimes temple in the first few days of a new year.  At that time, you say your prayers for a good year as well as buy more good luck charms (bring your old ones and give them back to the shrine to burn).  Many people also pay (yes, it is a religious institution ) for fortunes to tell them what their new years will be like.  They are very detailed in all aspects of life such as love, work, money, health, etc.  If your fortune is bad, then you tie it to a specfied area with the hope that the fortune will not come true.  Sometimes you can also get a little gold figure with your fortune that can also bring you different good luck as well.  I didn’t get a good fortune this year so I tried mine and am looking forward to the fortune NOT coming true! .  At the shrine there was also a tree that was over 2000 years old!  It was amazing!  You could also say a little prayer and then walk around the tree with the hopes that it would bring you good health.  Overall, it was a successful Hatsumode!  Not very crowded either which is nice because even the nearest shrine here in Tanashi had super long lines!