” A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain. ”

um, who can disapprove it?

nice, isn’t it?

a couple days ago, very shocking, i realize not only my brother is going to have a baby in Feb, but even my sister! wow, they all have really grown up, in a different way.

i can understand why my sister told my mom not to tell anyone, and probably she is not comfortable to tell me, neither.

because, in our family, we are just very different from others, me and my sister, even to my brother, they know i always treat them like kids and we play like kids. and both me and my sister are also not into these type of “parent” things, especially to me, it used to be so disgusting.

only until i came to Japan, i have changed my view of it a little, and become a little more positive.

to give birth, to have a child, to make yourself not alone on earth, or want to have someone caring for you when you get old, i don’t understand this theory at all.

to bring a child to this earth is a very serious matter, you did not ask him/her, but you brought him/her here, how would that make the child feel?

without having sufficient love for this world, no one is really qualified to have a child.

until this very day, when discussing how my busy siblings can take care of the babies, my mother can only say “i am not going to to take care of them, i already had such a hard time raising you 3, … you guys used to be sooo troublesome … BLAH BLAH BLAH, …”

a human like this should never have / do not deserve to have any children. she only bring disaster to this world. all she think about is herself and how troublesome it is to raise a child, no love at all. and that is why she also raised children that are so minus, and that is the one who just typed this.

あり得ない。こんな人。

” There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. ”

that too, it just cannot be more true.

i did it once, that is why i am here. but now what is next?

to see the slow improvement every day is ok, faster is better, but sometimes i still cannot help but feeling very 心 exhausting and tiring.

really, what is next?

to save again, is a progress. the progress lets you to have something to look for. but i did it once before already, i know how that feels at last.

of course this time i would avoid the same result and thoughts to come out again, but seriously, what is next?

every day i just hope for being healthy and can be with the person that i like the most, but obviously he is not helping, neither.

funny sentence, ” even the Christians do not want to die to get to Heaven “, that just says out my deepest thought inside my heart.

SO many times, i just found this world very boring and wish we just all go to heaven, but NOT through death and scare.

sometimes i look at the people around me, do they realize they have to leave this world one day? just because every day life keeps you busy, but don’t they ever wonder, the day can come sooner than they thought, and, the saddest thing is, we still do not know why we are here. for what?

pathetic for a Christian to say that, but honestly, this issue, even the cleverest human, cannot give a satisfactory answer.

” There are no short cuts to any place worth going. ”

i found this sentence a few days ago, and i just could not agree with it more. it says it right. it is sooo darn troublesome i don’t even know where to start.

recently, i have become very moody, or just disappointed. how come i always cannot have things that seem to make sense? ALWAYS! when you treat someone nice and just not want to miss any chance to tell them you care, but turns out, they just don’t care about you.

so you feel hurt, because you feel like you are being taken for granted. but so what, they are still like this.

while i was worrying about every freaking person around me, feeling sorry for their suffering and so on, however, it always turns out God takes care of them really, on the contrast, i always seem to be the one that is the most pathetic and need help.

God helped me in every way even such a worthless being, but i REALLY cannot help but being disappointed all the time.

am i being too doubtful? being too self-conscious? having too low self-esteem, or, it is a completely something else? something more deep and more serious?

on one hand, i wish my japanese can be on the native standard the next day, on the other hand, in the meantime, it is just 苦しい。i wish someone can finally teach me some japanese but no one offers so. even in the past, with money, still those people cannot do the job right.

寂しいです。

so recently, i just canNOT take my own poor japanese anymore and has to start some new studying again.

the whole stem comes from the fact that i found it SO waste of my time and energy to get irritated by people that i do not want to see around here, but しようがない、because this very irritating brainless person also lives here. once in a while, you just bump into this creature and this creature will ask you in a very “weird” and
“you don’t know if she is sincere or not tone” and said “元気？”

and asking you questions or in a tone that just assume everyone in this whole wide world has problems 24 hours a day, except her.

so when you are in a good mood and you want to be humble and keep it for yourself instead of like her “always like showing off and think herself a princess or something”, you just wonder how to deal with this situation.

i really wish i can be straight enough and next time when she bump into me again she really can realize i DON’T want to even say “hi” to her anymore. because she is so freaking irritating and such a air-head.

that is why, instead of the whole head being irritated by worthless ppl in your life, the space, that very space in your brain, maybe you should fill it in with some useful Japanese words instead, which, in the future, it sure will come in handy one day, でしょう！

please give me the strength to handle all these crap.

and most of all, recently, i really find myself, especially the heart, so hard to breath, and it is something like a 心絞痛。

sometimes i really do not know how long i can live, and if how long i can live healthily. whenever i am down, i really want to smoke, but my body just not good with it …

and the sad thing is, the person that i want to see the most, i don’t think that he will understand. next time, again, if i not show up on time, and failed to contact him on time, he would just left again, instead of thinking … “maybe this person has encountered some problems …”

そんな考え方ないだよね。悲しい。

my white owl is even cuter.

because i have to do the laundry, and white owl now on my desk, next to my computer, he is SO fat and white. and he really looks like a bird!

how can he be so cute? just like him.

last weekend was a very good one, so happy, could see the person that i want to see the most the whole day, いいじゃん。compare to this  weekend, it really suck all the way.

とにかく、 what can you do? i am not saying it is completely not my fault but no matter what it is the reaction is just a little out of line. instead of thinking i am SO wrong, why can’t the other party think:  maybe she has encountered some type of difficulties?

my goodness, why he is the only one that is the victim there? i tried soooo many ways and so hard without 1 second of stopping just make the machine work so i can see him ASAP and when i went back to my room all i got was just a message saying he was GONE! i could not believe it, i was ALL ready even before i took the darn laundry to the 2 floor because i had been waiting for his call ALL along!

does he even know that?

delicious and not expensive SOBA in shinjuku.

the lovely half-cooked egg.

the other lovely half-cooked egg. wonderful.

the BLACK version of my phone that he took me to get. from shinjuku. it is sooooo interesting, instead of getting a high-tech phone, due to my as-usual bad luck, so my WHITE phone just cannot charge anymore and if i fix the white phone all my messages would be gone, 99% of those are from him of course … and … since the contract is not in my name, so the easiest way is just to get a phone same as my white one so all i have to do just have to put the SIM card into the new one.

i did have the choice to choose a new WHITE one, but, as i wanted as much to forget the luck of the past, i found this BLACK one more appealing and so i picked this instead.

even though it said it is 中古、but it is SO brand-new inside out. it still has all the seal on it. amazing. and i actually find it exciting to seem to have a new phone. and this time, the language i use, is JAPANESE. and there is NO data inside, like a brand new start.

i was down yesterday and i went into the smoking room and bumped into one of my 知り合い friends.

he asked me how i was doing, so i told him まあまあ、he asked what happened and i told him i seemed to have a fight with someone. he asked who, so just not to make things sound worse i answered 知り合い. then he asked if it is a guy or a girl and i told him it is a male.

he also asked if my job is 順調。after a while, i told him it is 順調。

then i told him, “but i am just very 貧乏＞＜ !!!”

then he told me, “everyone is.”

so i told him how crazy that my account only had ¥2000 at one point.

the very first time, he told me this, “my DAD used to be …..”

honestly, i didn’t completely get what he was trying to tell me, due to my limited understanding of japanese, but i think, he was trying to tell me how his DAD also used to be very poor and could not get a driver’s license or something … yes, he was telling me about his dad …

and, he told me, 羨ましい、because i can speak 3 languages, he said, “自分の世界を広げる”.

but i told him, “you also have 技術。”

he then said, “even 料理 that they cook over there are also 技術だよ”.

yesterday, after what he told me, my mood did get a little more “up”, because, my world has always been kind of small, because the happiness that i want, also is small. however, 世界を広げるって、makes me realize how poor my Japanese is once more, he actually gave me a little incentive to try to learn even when i am down, and … i wish i can understand his language more. their way of thinking, is kind of different and interesting. but due to my poor japanese, i am not able to fully understand the messages around.