你可以想盡辦法去放棄，去滿足自己嘅好奇心，去肯定自己嘅能力…

但到頭黎只會發覺，所有嘢都只不過是神嘅恩典 …

but nothing more …

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

this is so crazy, it is beyond words.

i don’t get this theory by “understanding”

i got this conclusion by the things that happened to me …

満足できない

落ち着かない

そのままの状態我慢できない

なんでもできない、なんでも意味がない、

結局、神様の恩徳／恵みもらえなければいけない。

半分以上の人生は外国に住んでる私、一体何を考えてると思う？

maybe for some people, they really have to be put out of this planet, in the middle of the universe “Floating”, only under these conditions, they will believe there is a creator for all things.

everyday we only look at the streets we walk on, the 4 walls around us, wonder whether it rains or not, wonder how other beings think of us, wonder how to pay bills …

i am sooo mentally tired sometimes and just want to give up. 　速く天国行けるとあんまり悪くないと思う。地球に結構寂しいなあと思って。

even though, comparing to last year, i finally seem to have a normal relationship with someone, 10 times better. i was SO unfortunate for so many years.

but just as i thought things are good now, i only seem to realize, my luck was just too horrible before. completely insulting.

寂しいです。

i remember my ex.

i remember how he wanted SO bad to live with me, to me, it is one way of his showing me how much he wanted to be with me, and of course, this feeling is mutual.

and also many other things …

how he will try to help me in many ways, how he bought this and that for me … but that time i felt, he also did it, or EVEN MORE, to his ex.s, i felt very not enough, something so normal for him, it means nothing to me. i don’t feel very special …

but recently, i looked at the ipod he gave me, and VERY recently, i started undress the “white/half translucent” cover … 中は … very きれい silver …

i used to tell him,

“i find you very dirty, cause i do not know what type of people you have been with, it made me mad!”

then he told me,

“but my love for you is pure and clean”

i was too young to realize what that really means at that time, i was purer and i kept myself that way intentionally and turns out i had to be with someone that is has a lot more experience than me in relationship, while i was just a clean paper.

i did not understand. i did not understand WHY it is so unfair.

i have always wanted to be someone that is pure, but it never happened.

actually, until this year だけ、i am starting to realize more how he, my ex., really is, after he left me for 5 years …

i have no doubts, he will always remember me.

and he would regret the things he did to me. and so am i.

i know very clearly, we cannot live peacefully together, but because of my current relationship, the boy who is the same age as him (at the time i was with him), even though NOW and THEN is like 15, 16 years apart …

the things that the current boy did, SAME age as ex. 16 years ago, 想像できない、only then i realize, how mature, how protective, how generous, how 偉い、he once was.

same age, how can the mentally, capacity, be so different?

what really hurt me most is, i realize how much my ex. seemed to love me, makes me feel like, i am a fool …

やっぱり、こんな奇跡も一回起きることない。no matter how u put it, the way he used to take care of me, is SOOOOOOOOOOOO unbelievable.

he really was CRAZY about me, no matter what happened. for many many many years.

the white cover that i took off from ipod, i put it in a big Sanrio pink bag, but maybe i just took too many things to work these days, it fell off somewhere, and i just don’t know where, i tried to trace back the road i walked the day before, but found nothing … sigh, there goes the cover that was with me for more than 10 years, so lovely, coming from him, … あの時、当然と思ってたけど、now i know, how shit the whole wild world can be.

i was told, u not see shit, u not know how good things are.

but i think the 順番ちょっと間違ったかも。

if he is an asian, the has no temper, and share some of the same background with me, i would have wanted to be with him forever … but, things not go this way …

the white cover is gone, i really want it back …

it was his gift for me …

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i was looking at the current boy’s sent message, yes now, i suddenly can read japanese, i don’t know how and why…, the way that i always wanted to be while in america, i wanted to tell him, but, am i really better off this way … i feel not so sure sometimes.

one thing i know for sure, he is so かわいそう、he is probably one of the most かわいそう person i have ever met.

it is true he has a pretty face and body, but other than that, i don’t know what he has.

trauma, his whole life is full of it. so complicated.

if i have more than enough money, i will never hesitate to help him. even until now.

he was so messy at so many points, but he never tried to deceive my assets or anything.

he now, probably has no real friends, no real family …

how can someone be so sad … may the creator be with him for real …

yes, it has been like this for more than 2 weeks, and today i found out i pretty much started to shake a little, my hand … i don’t even want to think about why …

休みないです。

給料まだもらえないです。

that is what made me mad.

if i go to work every day and can see the money in my hand or in my bank quite right away, i would be sooo happy to start counting and stop complaining.

but sadly, in my case, i started working one of the part-time in MAY and now in July i still NO pay …

-__-

hope u can feel my pain.

after ALL the crap trouble i went through with that job because i was super desperate.

but i did not forsake my duty and still kept going in JULY to keep my promise with professor. cause i am also indebted to his kindness, and no discrimination.

but 4 hours back and forth of commuting, i don’t think everyone can handle this.

and now, bring my own computer to work everyday during this hot summer, that is another PAIN. and AGAIN, of course, the work that i did in JUNE, i will not get the paid till end of JULY, and i now have 0 yen in my bank, just for your info.

so i cried, i also cried because i realize something more painful …

i don’t know what it all means, but suddenly there is “one more” “seem-to-be-designer” here.

at first i really thought she was only for sales. but then later i saw her work on some very boring “menus”. then later she kept coming everyday.

=======================================================

the above is from a few days ago, now even worse, the manager just told us, “have u guys been told already? there is 1 more designer coming tomorrow …” -_-

i really do not know what is the meaning of all these, but i guess it is a good thing since that means even i left, nothing bad would have happened to them …

sigh, why it has to turns out to be this way?

i still なんでも分からない。

why EVERYTHING has to come at the same time?

i was SO free before but now i cannot even seem to able to breathe properly …

=======================================================

today i only have 1 question in my head for this company, just EXACTLY HOW MANY designers they try to hire?

crying out loud, i kept seeing them letting candidates come and did the test.

i do admit, i was the FIRST one and also THE ONLY one that was tested by 社長、but still ….

=======================================================

そして、あの日、i think it was yesterday, 社長 finally shows up, but, maybe i am wrong, seems to be someone is reporting to him how my PC is not working, since serial no. no good, then 社長 came to office that day, and personally asked me, if my computer is ok.

he fed us KFC.

he came and tried to ask me a question.

but i immediately said, 社長、美味しいチキンありがとうございます。

he immediately did not know what to do and said
“i was not the one that made the chicken”
and then he kind of left without asking me what he first intentionally came to ask me …

he is so sweet … and he seemed to get a little how my gratitude towards him.

and i want to show him, too.

i still remember very clearing what he told me during the interview,

he said,

“we do not have objections towards hiring foreigners”

thank you 社長