私は今までも恋愛のことまだ全くわかりません。

so i did some research online (日本語で), 初めて日本語で恋愛の悩みのため …

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… こういうタイプの男性は追われると逃げたくなる人ではないでしょうか。

( まぁ … 男だけじゃないのかなぁ、… i think this whole world, if you treat someone too nice, they will use that and 逆に be not nice to you … except me. however, too bad, in this world, no one really values me in that way, that is why i am always so alone … )

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… 追えば男は女を捨てて逃げる！

( interesting comment … i guess i am too easy, 追われても too lazy to 逃げる, 必要がないし、と思ってね … まぁ、私は残念ですけど、男じゃないからさ )

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… ＞重い
この言葉を言う人とは残念ながら将来はないと思う

(でも、私べつに将来のこと考えていないけど…, 結婚なんても興味もないし, but if the author meant, any boyfriend, if they say 重い to their girlfriend, this guy is just a person that wants no responsibility = they will be around when you are healthy, they will disappear when you are sick … then, i think i might have to rethink about something … )

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なのに、なんで。。。なんで思わなかったこと言われたのかなぁ。。。

turns out, after he said something shocking to me on SUN night (Jan 29), i got so shocked and weak, the whole night i could not sleep, shivering and crying all night, thinking we are no more. my heartbeat went super fast and i woke up after only 2-3 hours of sleep and could not go back to sleep again. my roommate said … 罪深いって。。。一生忘れない。。。

MON, i took one day off. PM went to immigration to renew my visa. i was so sad while i was in the immigration. last year, when i had no real job, i was so grateful that the boy, who i just started being with, cared so much about my staying here or not. 感動した。 now, this year when i was in immigration, he did not even know that i was there (in immigration), i doubt if he even care if i can stay in japan or not now …

TUE, i went to work and my boss told me to see the doctor. and on the way to the clinic i already knew i got something … when i arrived i felt fever already … chill all over my body … in the clinic, the nurses told me, “インフルエンザでしたって”, i was super shocked, after all, i took the vaccine だよ！2000円で、勿体ない！the doctor said i belonged to the 60% that does not help even took the 注射。

but thanks to the sickness, i could finally sleep and stopped the shock from him for 1 night. cause my head hurt so bad i could not think of anything.

WED, THUR (today) stay home, … only later today i could go convenience store to buy tofu and more lotion tissues.

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i was so hurt and sick there were 4 days i could not eat anything …

but luckily, i bought mineral water from the Amazon Japan for the first time last week, who would have known, this week, turns out i can drink HALF the box of the NATURAL MINERAL WATER … from Italy, without them i have no water in my room and had to walk far away to boil water and wait and boil more … and spread my germs while my body was so weak … not a good idea, right?

sigh. なぜか、私が辛い時、いつもそばに誰もいないのかなぁ〜

べつに、誰かいれば助かると思わないけど、でも、一番気になる人はいつも自分の悩みとか分からなくて、なんか寂しくてガッカリする気持ち堪らなく。。。